I Lost My Virginity to You Not My Self-Respect
I think the concept of virginity was created by men who thought their penises were so important, it changes who a woman is.
About a year ago, I took a decision on allowing a guy ,who I thought we were in love, explore my genitals. Subsequent to that very day, I had always imagined as a teenager what it felt like to be penetrated, the mood, the action and everything I had read in Cara McKenna's book ' Willing Victim'.
My aunt who is a sex therapist had told me not to reveal my virginity status to anyone. These were her words 'If it feels passionately right for you to have sex and you're with the right person, just do it. But do not let him know because he'd feel he has the power to control you. And if at a point, you feel the relationship ain't working, you can always leave without feeling entitled or him feeling like he owns your vagina. The truth is you own your sexuality, let no one take control over it'
Fast forward, we've been friends for a few months then one night he asked me to be his girl, I told him yes that night, we kissed and I had my first sex that night. When we we're done, he asked if I was a virgin, I told him a no. Then something popped into my head, why does he care anyway if I am one or not?
Few months later.................
He started to act strange like he had someone else. It was then I realised that the relationship wasn't grounded enough. I suddenly became insecure. I would look myself in the mirror with disgust. I had a lot of mixed feelings anytime we were together. He never calls or text. I put in so much effort to keep in touch and keep us on track. Sometimes, I used to feel like I need to let him know that I have sacrificed my virginity for the relationship so he could be more committed and take the whole thing serious. I felt entitled to his love, care and attention.
My aunt's words kept reverberating in my head. I got so confused but still held on to it. I felt like he owned me already. He'd hit on me over and over again and I wasn't always ashamed to open the petals of my flower to him every time he came.
He started to make me feel small with all of his actions. I would call him many times, crying on the phone just to seek his attention. Never did I know that his phone would be on loud speaker and he and his friends would make jest of my obsession over him. He disrespected me in front of his friends and made his description of me looked like I'm a horrible hoe.
I would question myself every night and would be full of regrets. I'll be like ' arrrrgh,mo ti se oriburuku, aye mi ti baje'
The truth is that I expected so much in return for giving myself up to him. Even at that, he still felt like he owned me. He'd lie and even cheat but I never bothered about it because I felt he wouldn't leave me alone. I would submit myself to him every time. Everything was about sex except sex. I felt used, insecure, sad and depressed. It was a battle for me.
After all of these happened, I finally broke up with him.
I lost my self-respect and dignity because I forgot my values. I did things I would normally not do that is against my true nature. I would always want to seek his attention and validation in all my affairs.
I cared about him, I could possibly move mountains for him but he didn't even notice it. I kept on making excuses for him and he is the type that wouldn't think twice before throwing me to the wolves. I condoned his nastiness and arrogance.
But now, I have found the grace, honour and dignity that makes me a real woman and the truth is it's not my virginity, it's the way I perceive myself to be.
I have learnt to respect my body and own my sexuality.
I have learnt to respect my interest.
I have learnt to respect my boundaries, fear, weaknesses and failures.
I have learnt to respect my time, my goals and dreams and my ambitions.
I have learnt to respect my feelings, thoughts and my needs first.
I have learnt to respect opportunities.
I have learnt to respect my accountability and responsibility.
I have learnt to respect my actions.
I have learnt to respect honesty and self -acceptance.
I have learnt to respect my new confidence.
It's all in your mind. I can categorically tell you that your virginity is not your dignity. If we all keep saying your virginity is your dignity, you're as well saying you're keeping yourself for the man you'll marry well, sorry if no one has told you this before or if you have trouble believing it, you are good, you are whole, you're yours. You do not exist to please men and your value as a human being is not contingent upon your sexual capital. Purity is a lie. You are human. You can always make your sexual choices to please yourself.
Virginity is a choice. Dignity is a must for every lady. Your virginity is not a measure of your dignity. Your dignity is what defines you and completes you. It is your pride. It is your crown.
And if you are no longer a virgin, you're not a loser. I think the true battle is when you lose it and you go through the mouth battering shame from people around you and you overcome it by knowing who you truly are and break free from the societal norm that your virginity is your dignity.
The keynote is that someone who truly loves you or worthy of your love will never put you in a situation where you must sacrifice your dignity, integrity or your self-worth to be with them.
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