I Lost My Virginity to You Not My Self-Respect

I think the concept of virginity was created by men who thought their penises were so important, it changes who a woman is.

About a year ago, I took a decision on allowing a guy ,who I thought we were in love, explore my genitals. Subsequent to that very day, I had always imagined as a teenager what it felt like to be penetrated, the mood, the action and everything I had read in Cara McKenna's book ' Willing Victim'.

My aunt who is a sex therapist had told me not to reveal my virginity status to anyone. These were her words 'If it feels passionately right for you to have sex and you're with the right person, just do it. But do not let him know because he'd feel he has the power to control you. And if at a point, you feel the relationship ain't working, you can always leave without feeling entitled or him feeling like he owns your vagina. The truth is you own your sexuality, let no one take control over it'

Fast forward, we've been friends for a few months then one night he asked me to be his girl, I told him yes that night, we kissed and I had my first sex that night. When we we're done, he asked if I was a virgin, I told him a no. Then something popped into my head, why does he care anyway if I am one or not?

Few months later.................

He started to act strange like he had someone else. It was then I realised that the relationship wasn't grounded enough. I suddenly became insecure. I would look myself in the mirror with disgust. I had a lot of mixed feelings anytime we were together. He never calls or text. I put in so much effort to keep in touch and keep us on track. Sometimes, I used to feel like I need to let him know that I have sacrificed my virginity for the relationship so he could be more committed and take the whole thing serious. I felt entitled to his love, care and attention.
My aunt's words kept reverberating in my head. I got so confused but still held on to it. I felt like he owned me already. He'd hit on me over and over again and I wasn't always ashamed to open the petals of my flower to him every time he came.
He started to make me feel small with all of his actions. I would call him many times, crying on the phone just to seek his attention. Never did I know that his phone would be on loud speaker and he and his friends would make jest of my obsession over him. He disrespected me in front of his friends and made his description of me looked like I'm a horrible hoe.
I would question myself every night and would be full of regrets. I'll be like ' arrrrgh,mo ti se oriburuku, aye mi ti baje'

The truth is that I expected so much in return for giving myself up to him. Even at that, he still felt like he owned me. He'd lie and even cheat but I never bothered about it because I felt he wouldn't leave me alone. I would submit myself to him every time. Everything was about sex except sex. I felt used, insecure, sad and depressed. It was a battle for me.
After all of these happened, I finally broke up with him.

I lost my self-respect and dignity because I forgot my values. I did things I would normally not do that is against my true nature. I would always want to seek his attention and validation in all my affairs.

I cared about him, I could possibly move mountains for him but he didn't even notice it. I kept on making excuses for him and he is the type that wouldn't think twice before throwing me to the wolves. I condoned his nastiness and arrogance.

But now, I have found the grace, honour and dignity that makes me a real woman and the truth is it's not my virginity, it's the way I perceive myself to be. 
I have learnt to respect my body and own my sexuality.
I have learnt to respect my interest.
I have learnt to respect my boundaries, fear, weaknesses and failures.
I have learnt to respect my time, my goals and dreams and my ambitions.
I have learnt to respect my feelings, thoughts and my needs first.
I have learnt to respect opportunities.
I have learnt to respect my accountability and responsibility.
I have learnt to respect my actions.
I have learnt to respect honesty and self -acceptance.
I have learnt to respect my new confidence.

It's all in your mind. I can categorically tell you that your virginity is not your dignity. If we all keep saying your virginity is your dignity, you're as well saying you're keeping yourself for the man you'll marry well, sorry if no one has told you this before or if you have trouble believing it, you are good, you are whole, you're yours. You do not exist to please men and your value as a human being is not contingent upon your sexual capital. Purity is a lie. You are human. You can always make your sexual choices to please yourself.

Virginity is a choice. Dignity is a must for every lady. Your virginity is not a measure of your dignity. Your dignity is what defines you and completes you. It is your pride. It is your crown. 

And if you are no longer a virgin, you're not a loser. I think the true battle is when you lose it and you go through the mouth battering shame from people around you and you overcome it by knowing who you truly are and break free from the societal norm that your virginity is your dignity.

The keynote is that someone who truly loves you or worthy of your love will never put you in a situation where you must sacrifice your dignity, integrity or your self-worth to be with them.

You love this?

Leave a comment below.
Thank you.

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  1. This is really enlightening. Like it was written for me. I've recently started thinking about this. Thanks

  2. This is what every girl should know and this is what every parents must let their daughter know thanks toke

  3. I'm heading straight to IG to follow....please follow back @supermarioslim

    1. Thank you. I followed back.already

    2. God bless you more darling.... This write up is for every lady to read n let go of the depression,and pains....Keep up the good work

  4. This is a wonderful piece. Keep up the good work ma. At least this is an eye-opener for all the ladies out there.

  5. Wow! This is a masterpiece. I love it. More like my real self all written in the article. Thank you dear. God bless you

  6. I'm glad I checked this blog out, I wouldn't have known what I missed out on if I didn't. But this, this is beautiful ��. Your message was passed across rather wonderfully and I can't thank you enough for sharing.

  7. All virgins are not scared of dick.They are scared of what will happen after they give it out to a guy. That he will go about telling shit to his friends and they'd thubk she's easy to get and a how. Then the rumours starts to fly around and now everyone will have to stare at her for one thing. Some of you guys talk like hoes. You'd fuck and tell or hit and run. Guys, she trusted you enough to let you get through her whether as a virgin or not. Learn to keep your business private. Learn to keep your sex life private. Don't demoralise a girl because you slept with her. They are too precious.

  8. Wow this is so enlighten..we love this!and we want more

  9. I think we should invest much of our time in teaching our younger ones more about sex education and harm the with the best of knowledge of how to date and enjoy relationships not given them an excuse to have sex. My opinion though .

    1. Really? Do you think this article is based on an excuse to have sex?

    2. This article wasn't written to encourage sex. It's more of you embracing your new damaged self without shame and with the consciousness that your true dignity doesn't lie in your virginity.
      It's not an antireligious post.

  10. Adeshina Abiodun Paul16 November 2018 at 11:16

    Jesus is coming soon!!

  11. This is a wonderful piece, craftfully written to enlighten not just the girl child but the parents; our mothers in particular.

  12. This is very inspiring. If I had known this, I won't be a single mom today... But all the same, I have changed my mindset about me. Thank you for the reminder. God bless you.

  13. This is not our everyday gospel. This is the truth we don't hear, the truth we don't tell our daughters, sisters and friends. Thank you for this enlightenment

  14. Hmm... Nice piece well put together. I'm sure you know that already. Anyways I've followed you on twitter and Instagram @iamemmy01 and I'll be reposting on my status. Kudos��

  15. I must Confess, i find this pretty educative and thrilling as well. Especially that funny Yoruba punch line "Argg moti soriburuku aye mi tibaje"... 'wonder-struck' is the word to qualify this Post.. Bigs Up Suave.

  16. I am glad I checked this blog out.. This is so beautifulšŸ˜.. Exactly for me

  17. This is coming from a different perspective.
    Interesting read.

  18. People that *truly* keep themselves are usually respected because in this 21st century it is one of the thing that is very hard to achieve. Have you wondered why unserious guys are so freak about it because they can actually have something to tell and be proud of. I had sex with a *Virgin*

    I tell you keeping your virginity is not worthless ma, enduring all this sweet tongue, sexual hormones shows that a Lady knows what she is standing for. It shows she has respect for herself, it shows that she knows where she is standing for, she is confident and lots more. So when I saw the first line I was interested that why is virginity not dignity.

    The truth there are other things to build on as a Lady and not hold virginity like it is gate pass to heaven. Being a virgin does not even guarantee a successful marriage, there are a whole lot more. But it tells a lot about your struggle as a Lady. Trust me it is not a decision to me though. Because decision cannot help anybody to keep chaste, there has to be sth deeper than that. Like a goal or something you are looking at.

    1. Imagine keeping yourself to be a trophy. Some ppl still don’t get it. If a girl want to keep it, it should be because she wants to. Not because she wants her pussy to a trophy

  19. Interesting read...

    I however have my reservations which I can't type now. Brb

    1. OK, we will be waiting for your reservations

  20. It's a good read. I think you fell for one of the "badboys". I advise teenagers mostly to read this, they fall easily for the "bad boys"_dunno why.

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  22. I'm speechless, not because I don't know the difference between virginity and dignity. Rather, but because a lady would go as much as starting the obvious..... Kudos ma'am
    I've always decided on my sexuality and differentiated having sense from having sex.

  23. I'm always on aww of your constructions. Thanks for sharing this.

    Dignity has nothing to do with sexual status, we shouldn't be deceived. Then it means everyone who has had sex have lost their dignity.

    Also, virgivity isn't some gift we give out, how's it packages then? Lol.

    Thanks again Toke. Ama keep reading your masterpieces.


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