Finding Strength in Age: The Wisdom of Marrying an Older Man

I have always wanted to marry someone older than I am. More experienced at life, goal-getter, masculine, well-to-do and kind. I chose this on purpose not by chance and as far as life decisions go, on balance, I recommend it.

When I was 20 and in my third year at Uni, I started noticing some ironic truths about myself. No matter how hard I worked or how smart I proved myself to be, my biggest advantage was something I couldn’t control: my youth. People were drawn to me because I was young and had a fresh face and body. It was easy for me, but also kind of unfair because it wouldn’t last forever. I realized that I could spend years working hard to create the perfect life for myself, or I could just get married young and have it all handed to me.

So, every Saturday, I’d dress well, put my books in a stylish big bag and go to work on my assignments and term papers in a big fancy room. There were usually about 50 really eligible bachelors. I was young and attractive, had lots of energy, and guys still liked that.

I couldn’t understand why my female classmates didn’t join me, considering they were smart too. It seemed like a good idea to use our youth to our advantage. Why ignore the fact that being young gave us power, even if it didn’t last forever? Maybe it was easier for them to ignore the whole topic than to admit that women only have a short time to make the most of their power.

I was ambitious and competitive, studying English with big dreams but not many job prospects. I loved adventure and resented the guys in my class who only went for a certain type of girl. One night, feeling restless, I snuck into a graduate-school event and met a man, the guy who would become my husband.

I used to fall for guys for all the wrong reasons, but not him. I did all the things you’re supposed to do when you’re in love, like being extra nice to his family and doing things to make his life easier. After I graduated and spent time in the UK for his career, we got married when I was 23.

I didn’t plan to fall in love; it just happened. Instead of letting the challenges of being a woman overwhelm me, I tried to navigate them with ease. I had grown bored of discussions around feminism- fair or unfair, equality or inequality or whatever, and preferred instead to consider a thing called ease.

When I think of same-age, same-stage relationships, what I tend to picture is a woman who is doing too much for too little.

I’m 27 now, and most women my age have “partners.” These days, girls become partners quite young. A partner is supposed to be a modern answer to the oppression of marriage, the terrible feeling of someone looming over you, head of a household to which you can only ever be the neck. Necks are vulnerable. The problem with a partner, however, is if you’re equal in all things, you compromise in all things. And men are too skilled at taking.

There’s a guy out there who learned how to brush his teeth well because my friend taught him. Now, he’s kissing college girls with fresh breath. Another guy married to my friend doesn’t even know how to pack his own suitcase because she does it for him. There are countless guys who learned how to treat a woman right, maybe because they went to therapy or had someone teach them about fidelity, boundaries, and respect. Maybe it was a girl they knew, or maybe it was someone they barely spoke to, but she took the time to teach them while also juggling her own life and responsibilities. She was working hard, trying to navigate adulthood, and yet she still took the time to help him grow, even if it meant sacrificing her own needs. At the end of the day, they still ended up serving each other breakfasts. But I think of all my friends who failed at this, were failed at this, and I think, No, absolutely not, too risky. Riskier, sometimes, than an age gap.

When I was 20, I felt overwhelmed by the idea of becoming my best self, especially while being in a relationship. Going on dates with guys my age felt like they were trying to sell me on a version of themselves that didn’t really exist yet. But my husband was different. He seemed more mature and put together, thanks to the influence of other women who had shaped him. He taught me things like using toasters and listening without always giving advice, which showed me a different side of adulthood.

My husband isn’t just my partner; he’s also my mentor, lover, and sometimes my friend. When we moved in together, he showed me how to navigate adulthood with ease, from organizing our home to handling bills. By not focusing on being in a traditional partnership in my 20s, I was able to prioritize my own growth and freedom in a way that many of my friends couldn’t. I was still figuring things out, while my friend who had a boyfriend her age seemed to be juggling too much at once, from work to family relationships to basic adult responsibilities. It felt like they were tied together in a three-legged race, struggling to reach each milestone.

I know my marriage isn’t perfect. There’s a limit to how many times you can say “thank you” before it starts to lose its meaning, even for nice things like fancy dinners. I live in an apartment he pays for, which affects how freely I can express anger toward him. It’s not like he uses it against me, but it’s always there, making it hard to talk about feeling dissatisfied without sounding ungrateful. Sometimes I joke about the saying “take a decision” and wonder who I should take it from. Sometimes I find myself in amazing places at parties, and I realize how far I’ve come, but it’s also scary to think about how temporary everything is.

I often worry that if my husband ever betrayed me and I had to move on, I would find that everything about me—from my sense of humor to how I make coffee or the bed—was influenced by him. It’s like how Renaissance painters hid their faces in their paintings. I wonder if they saw their own faces first when they looked at their work. But this isn’t the right question if we want to be happy. Another question people expect me to think about is who’s really in charge, the man who drives or the woman who put him there so she could relax? When I sit in the car, enjoying the view, those questions feel far away, like the horizon we’ve made wide together.

When people see a couple with a big age difference, they often wonder if it’s all about money or status. It’s a sensitive subject because it feels like reducing love to a transaction. When you see a 50-year-old man with a 25-year-old woman, you can’t help but wonder: Is it a fair deal? Who’s getting the better end of it? He’s older, so we assume he’s got more money and experience, while she’s younger and probably brings energy and sex appeal to the relationship. Maybe she gets expensive gifts like the Birkins, Chanel, diamond jewelry and he gets to have kids later in life. Seeing them together makes us think about the compromises we make in our own relationships, whether we admit it or not. Even in the most romantic settings, love often comes with practical considerations and agreements.

My husband was feeling worn out and uninspired by the time he turned 35 due to his demanding job. But I brought some magic back into his life. I found joy in simple things like dancing at restaurants and exploring the grocery store. He needed someone smart and adaptable to fit into his busy life, and I was able to do that. I left my well-paying but boring office job to pursue writing full-time, without having to struggle financially. I also tried my hand at cooking and decorating, even though I’m not great at it. Mostly, I spend my time reading, walking around cities, and writing stories, even though it doesn’t pay much.

Being a woman often feels like constantly racing against time, in many different aspects of life, until you feel exhausted and worn out.

We may try to ignore it, but we can’t escape the fact that men and women have different power dynamics in our world. Women often have an easier time being accepted and welcomed in their early 20s, while men may struggle to find their place. As women get older, they might find themselves competing with younger women for opportunities, while men may still hold the upper hand.

I think about the women I see around me, successful and capable, but often facing the pressure of balancing their careers with their desire to have children. It’s a constant juggling act, and the timing never seems to be right. If a woman wants to have children before she’s 35, she has to start thinking about it early, which can mean sacrificing her career goals.

For me, being in a relationship with an age gap has given me some breathing room. I’ve been able to enjoy my youth and travel to beautiful places with someone who has more experience and stability. When it comes time to have children, I know I’ll have support from my husband, who has already been through this stage of life.

The best thing about my marriage is the flexibility it offers. I have the chance to pursue my own dreams and goals before taking on the responsibility of caring for someone else. I dream of a world where women have more options and support in their careers and personal lives, where they don’t feel pressured to follow a rigid timeline set by men.

Looking back on our relationship, we realize that we’ve both given each other the best years of our lives. True equality may not always be obvious, but over time, we’ve found a balance that works for us.

The truth is, true love isn’t about age, skin color, wealth, or religion. It’s about a mental, physical, and spiritual connection between two people that conquers all obstacles in their way. Who are we to judge these couples?

When it comes to love, variety is the spice of life. One woman may prefer a man in his 50s who loves animals. The next lady may want someone in their 70s with a big bank account that can spoil her. There are all sorts of reasons why people fall in love. But society likes to typecast the traditional relationship and judge those that don’t fit into that mold.

If you are lucky enough to find someone in this life that makes you feel better about yourself, gives you a reason to smile, and holds your hand through the darkest days, then you have found a treasure that is far greater than any labels society may give you. While many younger women love men, most do it for the right reasons with no ulterior motives. After all, true love is timeless.