Dear Aunty X,
I recently went through a mental health crisis that was triggered by work burnout and my finances. As you know the country is crazy right now, I can barely pay my house rent or repair my car if it’s damaged (my car takes a lot of my expenses sometimes I just want it sold out but it’s more of a necessity than a luxury to me).
I work really hard, and I know a big part of what got me here is having consistently done the work to honor my inconvenient of feelings broke since I was in school. I’ve got my CV but getting a high-paying job is a drift. I’ve had to work multiple jobs and even started my own business but it seems it’s not even enough. The bills, the family, the soft life I keep imagining, the big me, the higher me, it’s not happening with my boyfriend. He’s not giving me a choice than leaving him because I really wish I could change all the agreements we had when we started a year ago. We agreed to split bills on dates, gift each other on special occasions and we really do split the bill on everything. My job pays higher so sometimes, I just let him off but it’s very inconvenient right now.
My relationship is the serious type. People were probably expecting some kind of Instagram engagement announcement from us any day. I am 27 and he is 33. We had different expectations of what it takes to make a long-term relationship work. In my early 20’s, I never really dated for money or material things but I did want a partner that actively showed up to connect with me on an emotional level, with each of us mining the depths of our own bullshit to learn how to better relate to one another and build a productive and joyful life together. That’s my kind of energy. But now, with the financial strain on me, I only want to date men who have money in abundance. Call me a gold-digger or whatever. I know the importance of money and how shitty my finances have been recently it’s hard depending on a guy who gets defensive when I ask him for money. He reminds me of what our agreement is and the conversation usually ended there because I wouldn’t want to embarrass myself by asking any further.
I’ve grown up with this mentality of being an independent woman, making the boss moves, and cashing in nice but it’s not helping. As the dust settles, I’m wondering: Is it okay for me to categorically state that I will never again bind my life to someone who doesn’t have money. I know this might be hurtful to him by ending the whole thing, but I’m yet to see an alternative that is rigorous and practical. I need to survive and if I do not move forward with that belief that the richer the better, I have to acknowledge that my dating pool will be almost comically small and I might just be doing myself big harm, shrinking for a man I’m not even sure might marry me.
Nothing feels more important to me than being able to honor the full spectrum of my big baby girl life and I do not care how inconvenient, and complex feelings people might have against me because of that for the rest of my life. I don’t know how he woulld react when i break the news to him. I love him but that’s not the case here. I just want to live my new life without any shame or suppression — even if that means I have to do that while steering my own ship. I need advice, is this the right thing to do or not?
Your email is the first I’ll be getting and thanks to the team and you for being able to express yourself like this. I am Aunty-X, 44, mum of 3, wife, and a very open-minded big aunty that wants the best for my sis community.
In my experience, having money to sort out bills and a very supportive partner in terms of finances is a plus. Women always need money. There’s a lot to buy, to explore, to have fun and this comes with money. Our disjointed, individualistic, workaholic culture feeds us the myth that being a material girl is the foundation of a woman causing a menace in the society, and anything that glitters riches and glory is inherent waste of time or, at the very least, questionable use of one’s resources. That is crazy enough. Being materialistic is not a sin. Every woman deserves it. The wigs, the vacays, the shopping spree, and the quality of life is what everyone dreams of but just get it together. Have you read Steve Harvey’s book? A man is supposed to be a provider, protector, and gentleman. Stop splitting bills with men, you are robbing them of their responsibility. It’s psychological.
Breaking up with him means his feelings might become inconvenient and thorny but he needs to be swept out of the way as smoothly and efficiently as possible so you can live your life. Based on your letter, I believe you are the faithful type. but end up picking men who do not serve your needs. It’s not my style. And when I’m dealing with someone who keeps pushing me to reach some predetermined conclusion, like reminding me of our agreement when my current finances are a total mess, it’s not just uncomfortable but it’s aggravating for them to have to stay in some exploratory nowhere land with me, I usually don’t end up investing as much in that relationship. I prefer conversations that spin out and remain open-ended. If you have really made up your mind about this, just do it.
If you want to fall in love again, make sure it’s exactly what you have in mind, a man that is a provider and has in abundance. It doesn’t help to tell yourself a story about how rare it is to find someone worthwhile in the future if you do not make a move now. Instead, you have tFo keep believing in your own process of self-discovery and keep enjoying the folds of your mind. When you embrace all of the possibilities offered by the world and enjoy the endless potential for passion, joy, and material things you have always imagined within you, you stand out to other people who are trying to do the same thing. Just taking that leap and believing in joy is sometimes the most important step. This world is big and full of beauty. Keep reminding yourself of that, every day, and watch yourself become a sparkling model of the love and the joy and material girl you seek.
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